-------------------

V: (as Kavan) By the Last Twig! He crumpled my ruffles!

X: (as Duke of Westmyr) Can I help you, Kavan?

V: (as Kavan) Not now. I've a pressing matter to attend to.

-------------------

N: What's a rhombus?

J: A swinger party with a sixties theme?

N: No, it's a quadrilateral.

J: Abomination!

N: That too.

-------------------

V: Life sucks, Charlie. The point is, to blow back.

-------------------

T: (as NPC, ominous) Your brother has seen your death, you know.

J: (as Jasper) I've seen his death many a time, myself. It was just a phase.

-------------------

V: So, do you enjoy the desert?

J: Yes, I like it here. Alex, more water!

N: (Uses his ring of water command to dump water over Jasper's head. Again.)

J: Nice cool desert.

-------------------

J: (knocks over his cup of water)

N: Ack! My character sheet! (mops up water)

J: (as Jasper) Wake up, it's your watch.

N: (OOC) Huh?

T: You had the last watch of the night, Jasper.

J: (as Jasper) Well wake up. It's time to go.

V: (spits up water laughing, getting it all over her character sheet)

J: No water on my sheet!

V: No, you just get everyone else wet.

-------------------

T: (as NPC) The beast has come already. It has slain many of our warriors.

V: (OOC, British accent) Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up!

-------------------

T: There are about four dozen of them.

J: What are they doing? Holding hands and singing Kumbaya?

-------------------

N: I stare at the blood. Does it look innocent?

-------------------

N: Do I sense evil coming from the grove?

T: Oh yes.

N: Good! No innocent blood!

-------------------

T: (as NPC) We must leave this place.

V: (OOC) See! I said that. I said that! (pauses, remembering Onyx has taken a vow of silence) Well, I gestured that.

-------------------

N: Rock, scissors, paper?

V: That's anachronistic.

J: Fine. Stone, leather, sword. Ready?

N: Ready.

N & J: (in unison) One, two, three!

N: What's that?

J: (holding up two fingers) A two-handed sword!

-------------------

T: There are two tubes. One contains a young woman; the other has an old man.

J: I sneak up on the first tube.

N: Hot chick?

J: (grins) Hot chick.

-------------------

V: I need to get us out of here without hurting anybody.

N: World Peace, ninth level spell.

-------------------

V: I walk up to the crack, take out my unicorn horn, insert it, start to pray, and thrust it in.

T: The crack opens a little.

J: I stick my fingers into the crack, try to spread it apart, and pull.

N: Where are my fingers now?

-------------------

T: Two men approach you, Onyx.

V: I pray.

T: (incredulous) Oooookay... what's your AC?

J: (conspiratorily) Praying or non-praying AC?

-------------------

T: The wizards begin to drop.

V: (horrified) We're killing them by asking them to reverse the spell!

N: So what? Otherwise they'd bury Faerun in perpetual winter. Think of ... of ... how many farmers that would screw over!

(general laughter)

N: No, it's true--

V: (mocking) Yes, just think of the traffic in Waterdeep! We can't have that!

-------------------

T: But no, the particles hit some strange field of force.

J: Finally! The Force is on our side!

-------------------

J: I can't read this-- there's too many pictures!

-------------------

N: (speaking about Onyx) He's such a mama's boy.

J: He needs a song for that.

V: (singing) Mama... just killed a man... put my wand against his head, cast a spell and now he's dead...

-------------------

T: Two massive black spheres form in the air. (as NPC woman) These will monitor you, to see if you perform well.

J: (blinks) Big balls?

-------------------

V: Admit it. The dog wanted your crotch.

N: No, she was trying to get to my face from down there.

T: Then don't keep your face in your pants.

-------------------

N: I'd kill to see a cadaver.

-------------------

T: (as NPC man) I was sent to give you gifts from the Netyarch, Zalathorm.

N: (as Alex) Gifts? Ok, where do we have to go?

T: (as NPC man) Oh, I can perform them here.

V: (OOC) On your knees?

-------------------

J: Yeah, man.

N: But I'm not a nervous kind of person.

T: Oh? What about the times you quit smoking?

N: That's different. I'm only nervous when I'm not smoking.

J: Have you ever seen a squirrel that smokes?

-----

V: Sucking onion dip off your d20? That's like, seduction for geeks.

-----

S: (to Gauk’s cleric) When will you show us more of your physical prowess?

V: (interjecting) When we get a female party member.

-----

G: It was my first time leading such a woman in prayer.

V: Is that why you asked about the prostitutes earlier? They please you? Because you know, we could take you to the brothel -- they could surely use some healing.

S: Sexual healing.

-----

G: I poke the figurehead to see if it's still moving.

T: Just wood.

V: Admit it. You're poking the nipple.

G: It's a harpy! Why would I do that?

V: A nipple's a nipple. I mean, if I cut off the nipple and put in the sand alone, and you came across it, you'd poke it.

T: What world do you live in, where you find nipples in the sand?

-----

T: You feel pain. Searing, itching, burning --

V: Ouch. (pauses) Actually, Xenos kind of likes it.

T: (to party, in response to their actions) You run over and see Xenos collapsed to the deck. He seems shaken.

V: Actually, he's kind of happy.

T: Fine! But were you to engage in combat right now, he'd still be shaken!

-----

V: I brought this piece of the hull --

J: Wait. You took something from the ship?

V: Yeah. I took a nipple!

-----

J: (as Asim) The pirate life is not exactly the life for me.

-----

S: Uh oh. I failed my reflex.

V: Well. You haven’t really lived until you’ve died. Once or twice.

-----

V: (speaking with the haughty attitude of a psionicist) “What do you do when you’ve been mind-fucked?” you might ask. Me, I have a cigarette and go to sleep.

-----

S: (pouring Coke energetically) I back up, waving my dagger.

V: Just don’t wave your Coke.

S: Hey! I have a decent dex modifier in real life!

-----

G: We should start a fire at the docks to drive all the ships away.

V: Oh yes, that’s perfect. Now I need to do some evil to balance all the good I’ve been doing.

G: Well it doesn’t have to be an evil fire.

V: No, you should make it an evil fire. Then I won’t feel as bad.

-----

J: (looking at a glyph puzzle) Okay, we’ve got an Orb, and Papyrus. What glyph do we press next? What do they have to do with each other?

V: Paper... covers rock!

J: Yeah, so we need scissors. The – the Dagger cuts paper!

T: (silently laughing) Nope. Doesn’t work.

J: Maybe it’s math. Eagle? (presses)

V: But Tim doesn’t know math.

T: Stays lit.

V: It worked! Hmmm...

S: (looking at his notes) Oh God, Tim. You suck. Naga! (presses the Naga glyph)

T: Stays lit.

J: O – P – E –N.

-----

V: I want to add a skill.

T: Skill?

V: Sex!

S: You mean Perform (other)?

-----

S: So what’s our XP?

T: 5,000

A: Damn, you made me stab myself!

-----

A: (as a druid, indicating his ivy armor) Some prefer the poison ivy, but I prefer pleasure.

S: Can I touch?

A: Don’t... pop the spores.
-----
A: What about Plan G?
V: G... is for god. We all become gods and smite the oncoming army. (pauses) Actually, I like this one. Tim? Godhood for all of us, please.
-----
V: I check the liver. Does it look nobby?
-----
A: What are we going to do with the princess?
V: I'll find Toadstool. Toadstool obviously knows what to do with the Princess.
(universal groan)
T: (glowering) That's negative 50xp for you!
-----
J: You know, if I got reincarnated as a opossum, I'd still have my powers. That'd be awesome. I'd be an awesome opossum!
-----
A: I can make enough water for camping and bathing and drinking.
J: (acting jealous) Hey. We can all make water.
-----
S: Pain doesn't hurt!
-----
G: Wizards are like ovens: you have to pre-heat them.
S: But they'll cook your goose!
-----
A: What's this? Nightshade's mounting Sparlan's stallion?
J: No. His magical beast.
-----
S: Here, feel better. (casts a touch spell as he slaps Nightshade on the rump)
V: Now that's some sexual harassment you'd welcome.
G: So that's why football players slap ass -- they're healing each other!
-----
S: I roll a 28.
T: Sparlan suspects the gnome is on the ethereal plane.
V: I'm tired of these motherf--king gnomes on these motherf--king planes!
-----
V: (singing Row Your Boat) Roll, roll, roll your dice -- no, you can't take ten --
S: Penalties, penalties, penalties, penalties, then you roll again.
-----
T: And you see lots of bustle below.
V: Buscular!
(general chuckling)
V: Totally busculacious, dude.
T: (glowering) And that's negative 100 experience points...
-----
V: Well, Sparlan likes the women.
A: What about Olathir?
V: I'm sure he can "handle" himself.
(general groaning)
S: So... what kind of handle animal check is that?
-----
V: We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all bat swarms are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable attributes -- among these, wings, sonar, and the pursuit of insect food.
-----
T: Only a naked monk could do something at the end of that prismatic sphere.
V: So, who goes next? Initiative! (to Tim) You're not paying attention.
G: He was too busy with his naked monk.
-----
V: (to Steve) I'll get to you later. You have a few more turns to stabilize.
S: Yeah, you're a healer. You know what needs to be done first.
V: That's right. I'm doing triage from the sky.
-----
A: So a swarm of leeches couldn't hurt a dragon.
T: They could if they were magical +1 dire leeches!
-----
S: We'll need the element of surprise.
A: Well, we have all those elementals.
S: So we'll have the elements of surprise!
-----
T: (as Demetrios) The potion now needs the vow of love unrequited.
A: (as Curtius) Aleksis, I promise I will find a way to make you corporeal again!
T: The potion swirls and changes into gold.
V: That's so stirring.
-----
V: (as Xenos, blinded) Enemy, if you wll oblige by telling us where you are, we'll oblige by hitting you over the head.
-----
A: How much drink could a drunk monk drink if a drunk monk could drink drunk?
-----
V: Not everyone keeps their holy symbols in the same place, Captain.
-----
V: (as Shayd) Undead. I hate undead. We'll have to unkill them all!
-----
E: (kills the captain, looks around, and notices that Shayd and Drake are still fighting the last defender)
E: (indicates himself) If you don't finish up, the awesome is coming.
V: Do you say that to all your women?
-----
T: (after having threatened us all with death as a vampire) It is not my turn! But when it is, I will complete my verbosity with actions!
-----
T: (as goblins) Dark Lord!
E: (as Galrein, aside to Shayd) Why are they calling you Dark Lord?
V: (as Shayd) Would you rather they called me Cutsie?